Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Randomize
