if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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