I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
