wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Randomize
