Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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