I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
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