I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
