Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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