There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Randomize
