You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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