This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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