ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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