I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
