you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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