You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
