Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
