i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
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