A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
