I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Randomize
