Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
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