you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
