You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
