Jerry, you need to find god
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
