apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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