You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
