My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Randomize
