Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
