I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
