Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Randomize
