She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
