I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Randomize
