Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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