I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I just gift wrapped bread.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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