I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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