The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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