Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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