wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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