he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Randomize
