i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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