I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
