no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
How does it feel to date your dad?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
