i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
