My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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