I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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