In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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