so that wasnt chicken after all
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
