Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
