does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
