U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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