if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
