the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
